It’s been so long since I’ve sat down to type something out. So long since I’ve had any interest in putting something together to release into the big digital oblivion. Even now, as I sip my cold cup of decaf, I can’t say that I’m exactly chomping at the bit, knowing what I want to say. All I know is that I’m feeling it’s time to open this back up again...
The question rolls around in my mind: where have I been the last 9 months? I put in my 3 months of work. I wrapped up the school year for my kids. I escaped for the summer. I returned for the school year. I battled a sense of aimlessness and questioned my purpose. I rediscovered a sense of ease in my life that was lacking for months. I am feeling at peace, like I’m coming closer to a home that I’ve never seen but have been journeying toward for a long time.
Where have I been for the last 9 months? To be honest, I have been uninspired.
This word has been floating around in my mind since July. Uninspired. All but unwilling to pick up a pen and journal. Uninterested in picking up a brush to start a new painting. Uninspired.
It reminds me of a song I knew when I was growing up:
On the wire, balancing your dreams, hoping ends will meet their means,
but you feel alone.
Uninspired.
Oh but does it help you to know that I believe in you?
There was something in these words.
It wasn’t until I had time to be still at the lake that I began to feel life returning to me. I had to admit that I had been frozen. Frozen in fear of doing wrong and in unwillingness to make a mistake. I was frozen by too many options and no one to show me which one to choose. No one to TELL me which way to go. I didn’t want to be responsible for a wrong move, so I remained frozen in place.
I felt I was thawing out and it was glorious.
It opened up my summer and made room for joy.
I’m happy to be home.
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