Christmas comes and I hide

For as long as I can remember, Christmas has been one of my all-time favourite seasons.  What's not to love?  Pretty sparkling lights, cookies and goodies, time with friends and family, shopping, smiles,  carols you grew up knowing, memories, wonder in the eyes of my kids.  It's a the highlight of the Christian calendar.
Emmanuel!  God with us!!
The bright shining star, the angels, the shepherds, the humble birth of a saviour...

It's a time of year that has always encouraged me to follow the traditions taught to me by my grandparents and has always left me with a warm glow - almost like I could feel them around me.
It's a time of year when I normally am excited by the hustle and the bustle.  I usually love to spend hours baking for the enjoyment of my family.  I usually bask in the glory of spending time to wrap the presents just so and search for hours for that one elusive, perfect present for that special someone.  I would anticipate the look on their faces as they unwrapped it and just savour the... flavour.
Does that make sense?
I love to just savour the spirit of the season.

So what's up this year?

I have no rhythm.  I have no rhyme.  I'm clueless.  I'm tempted to just hide and eat Shreddies on Christmas Eve.  I bought Christmas cookies for the first time at a craft fair and I feel done.
Kinda' like, "Meh... Good enough."
Problem is, I've never before said, "Meh..."
Barely half my decorations have been put on display, most of them by my children or husband.  I've only just began listening to my collection of Christmas CDs.
I just can't find it...  The Spirit...
Like the song, "Where Are You Christmas?"
It's painfully elusive this year.

Emmanuel, yes.  God IS here.
That I know.  That I believe with all my heart.
Leaves me pondering a question...
Where am I?

There is Hope

Did you ever give up a dream?
I'm not talking about a dream of joining the circus or of being able to say that you've stepped foot on the moon.
I mean a dream that held you! 
One that was attached to the very core of your being.  One that you could close your eyes and actually see happen.  You knew the steps that had to be taken.  You knew the barriers that stood in your way and you prayed day and night for God to topple them with a great crashing punch!  The kind of dream that you truly felt was a part of God's plan for your life.

How do you let something like that go?

Like a loss of a loved one, that's how.
With eyes stinging with hot grieving tears you pry open your fingers one by one, letting loose all those hopes that had embedded themselves in your identity.  There you sit.  Hands wide open.
Wide open and empty.
A gaping chasm is left in your chest and all the tears in Alberta can't change that.  If your quiet enough, you might catch the faint whistle of the prairie winds as they blow through you.
Right. Through. You.
It's gone.

Do you trust what remains?

First Go

My first blog... Scary.
So what am I to say the topic of this blog is?  Nothing in particular.  Everything at once.  All in between.  I'm a thirty-something mom of three.  Wife.  Type 1 diabetic.  Off and on runner.  Former engineer.  Beginner artist.  Even after all this, I'm still left seeking peace in my own skin...
Seeking God's purpose for me in this crazy and chaotic life I live.

I grew up on a farm.  Part of my greatest challenge today is living in a city.  In the 'burbs to be exact.  It feels like really the best of no worlds.  I don't have the convenience of city living and I'm missing the open space that comes with residing in the country.  We have good neighbours - something I will forever be thankful for - but I feel stuck in this strange and unsatisfying middle ground.  As if I don't really have a country to claim as my own.  An outsider, perhaps.  Always looking to fit in but never really finding my own niche.

So, what does this all have to do with anything?  Nothing.
Why should you choose to read?  I don't know.
To be honest, this blog is for me and my well-being.  I journey thru my journalling.  In my pages, I discover hurts but also find healing.
You are welcome to journey with me...  If you like.